just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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