fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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