Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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