More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
