i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
he thought i was a dude.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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