You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
