Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
