think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
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