I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
