Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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