Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
