Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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