Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
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