Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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