If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
