i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
