So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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