Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
