So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
