when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
