You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
