Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
jump out the window naked night went bad
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
