Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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