I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
