I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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