I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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