Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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