I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
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