i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
