Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
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God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
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please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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