Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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