What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
