Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
