I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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