Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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