Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
