I wanna passion pit in your ass
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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