Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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