Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
