So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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