a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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