yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
