you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
