I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
