We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
