Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
