you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
