Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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