So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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