I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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