well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
