I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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