i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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