my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
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She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
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Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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